May 10, 2008

What follows is Part 2 of Kristie Martinez' candid blog about her struggles and ongoing recovery from bulimia.Part II. My personal reality as a student-athlete

Who I was over a year ago is not who I am now. However, was it reasonable to expect that the way I treated myself since I was 13 would somehow be removed within moments of confronting my problems, or even within a year? I have chosen a lifetime of recovery and exploration in how to be better by putting myself first.

For too long I immersed myself in educating others about peer health, or sports, or school, or relationships, etc. etc. etc.; which I now realize was due to the things I could not quite perfect in myself. As the saying goes… those who can’t… teach.

Well, I taught I a lot, whether anyone learned from it is questionable but not important. I kept my depression a secret, thinking I was just being negative. I kept my thoughts my own thoughts assuming no one had ever been where I had been. Well, the truth is that throughout the past year I realized that I was not the only one.

There were pressures in my life that stemmed beyond sports and college. I admit now, as I had to then a year ago to survive, that the analytical perfectionist in me was far from being perfect… and that is okay for me. I am far from perfect. Although still analytical and neurotic at times I am forever in recovery.

This journal piece may not be the most interesting or favorite for those of you reading it, but that is not my intention. I understand I may possibly be looked at differently and that is okay with me also. I am prepared for the journal because I have been prepared in my recovery as a bulimic. My intention is to somehow provide closure for myself, recognize where I was and reflect on where I could have not been were it not for choosing life and not death.

A couple of entries ago I described choosing softball as life and without it is death. Maybe softball was a small motivation because I loved it. Maybe finishing up college and graduating this year added to a success I could control. Maybe in order to get out of the well I jumped into secretly I had to take back control of my life that was far beyond being out of control.

Where I sought out treatment, I befriended those that were doctors, lawyers, singers, musicians, artists, teachers, nurses, teenagers, grandfathers, and mothers. Our addictions, or better yet our destruction tool of choice, may have been different, but our reason for being there was the same. It was the last resort in order to save ourselves.

No longer afraid of what teammates might say, or teachers might think; beyond what my athletic staff would wonder or how my family would view me… I took the right step in recovery.

The first couple days were the hardest and scariest thing I had to do in my life. To admit that I had a problem was by far the hardest thing to do. To commit to my life and break down these walls I presented as a safety net to get through life was the scariest thing to do. I found myself reborn, yet instead of knowing nothing and learning everything, I had to let go of what I thought I knew and relearn the right way to live life and love myself.

After those first few days, the rest beyond that fused together and here I am a year and some days later.

~Kristie